Wednesday, October 14, 2009

31 for 21...day 14

Journal entry #2
Helpless

Morning
October 9, 1998

Watching the clock seemed to make the hours pass very slow. I so badly wanted to come and visit you in NICU, but my doctor wouldn't allow me to. They wanted me to wait until I had Daddy or someone to take me down to see you. Finally around 9:00AM the doctor said I could make the trip to visit you in NICU, Daddy and Grand-Daddy (Arthur's father Hal) were both at the hospital. The walk from my room to the NICU was very long so Daddy pushed me in a wheel chair. I was so excited I was going to see you and feel your warm skin against mine. As Daddy pushed me down the halls it felt like the halls just kept getting longer and as if we were caught in a maze. Then I saw the NICU sign and I felt a great sense of relief, you were just beyond the double doors. From outside the door we used the phone to call into the nurses station to have them open the doors for us to come visit. You are in the second pod (critical care room) in the NICU and there are 4 other babies in the same pod with you. There are 8 beds and your bed is at the back of the pod. When we reached your bed they had a stool for me to sit on so I could see you better. Daddy helped me onto the stool and the 3 of us stool there next to your bed in complete silence for the first few minutes. Your color isn't very good and your were hooked up to all kinds of wires. Daddy and I had taken a tour of the NICU before you were born so we would know what to expect, but now it was different....because now our baby was the one in the bed. We weren't allowed to hold you but we could touch you. I looked at Daddy and he patted and rubbed my back then smiled at me, then I looked to Grand-Daddy and he too smiled. Each one was talking to me and each other about you. Yet, I can't tell you what they said. It's all a blur now, all I can remember is how pitiful you looked and how helpless I felt. I am your Moma and I'm suppose to make things right for my sweet baby. Every fiber of my being wanted to pick you up into my arms, place your head on my chest and snuggle you....taking in your scent. I cried but tried not to, what I wanted to do was scream and cry out to the Lord for strength. We were only allowed to visit you for a few minutes and it wasn't long enough, I wanted more time! Your face, hands, and feet are etched in my mind and it's all I can think about and see. PLEASE, Lord be with Jonathan right now when I can't. Lord, please carry me in this time...for when I'm weak you are strong.




Current thought.....I'm finding as I read my journal it may take longer than a month to share Jonathan's story. So I'm trying to hit the highlights and not all about the full day with visitors and such. Other wise it would take me years to write this story :) Lots more to come. Side note I don't seem to have much time in the day so the post are written late when Ruth Ella is settled... this one being posted for the 14th but it just turned the 15th as I was writting. Good Night!

3 comments:

Amy said...

Sweet special words that you can give him to keep as a memory of his Momma! Can't even pretend to know how it felt in that situation but what a time to draw new to our Lord and rest in His arms feeling his presence ever so near.

The Coopers said...

My goodness I can totally relate to the feelings and emotions of the NICU.. I too kept a journal and even now I look back and read it. It helps me to see where God has brought us from and all the answered prayers for the twins. When we recently took Olivia for another heart procedure and when we were in her room, certain sounds brought back all the emotions of before.. Amazing isn't it? God is awesome though and look at your little "big" Jonathan now. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us.

Amanda said...

Thank you for sharing such sweet & precious moments with us.