Monday, October 4, 2010

31 for 21

Journal entry #8
Oct. 10,1998
Saturday, night

Today seemed to have come and gone so quickly that I'm not sure if the day was in hours or minutes. Early afternoon Aunt Buffy came to help me move all of my belonging to the Ronald McDonald House. The house is amazing, and the staff welcomed me in and made me feel so at home. Daddy was sad that he couldn't be here to help me move, and he didn't want to leave you today. I put all my stuff in the room, and then Aunt Buffy and I came back to visit with you. She couldn't believe how tiny your hands were or all the hair that you have. She too thinks you look like Rebekah. We visited for a little while and then she had to get back home. I continued to sit by your bed and just watch the machines helping you to breath. With each breath I prayed that soon you would be breathing on your own respirator free. When it was time for the doctors to make evening rounds I had to leave you. As I was sitting in the waiting room, Daddy came back it. I was so excited to see him, he brought Grammy, Papaw, and Nonnie with him. This was going to be their first time to see you. When the doctors finished their rounds they called your Daddy and I back in, they had some news for us. While making rounds they said that you were breathing so well they were going to take you off the respirator and place you on just oxygen. I felt my heart leap, and knew God had heard my prayers. Daddy and I stood by your bed held hands while touching you and prayed that the Lord continue to heal you, and thanked him for the miracles He had already preformed. Then Grammy, PaPaw, and Nonnie one at a time came in to see you, they fell in love with you at first sight. It was getting late so they drove me back over to RMH. Daddy came in and walked me to my room, it was his first time to see it. After seeing the RMH and my room Daddy felt better about leaving me. He needed to get back home to your sisters and Madison, Aunt Buffy had been watching them. We prayed together thanking God for his abundant blessings and for all the unknown that is to come. We hugged and said good by until tomorrow. Now here I sit in a room in the RMH feeling very alone, no strong arm of your Daddy to lean on and you across the street without ME! I have only been back to RMH for about 40 minutes and have already called to check on you, they said you have been in some pain. They gave you more pain medicine and said you are now sleeping soundly. Oh, my arms long to pick you up, something I have never been allowed to do. To rock you, take in your sweet smell, and to stroke your new born skin. The deep ache in my soul is one that only God can cure, and so I rest in Him for I know He will carry me. I love you my perfect boy


Ruby's Mom said...

Thank you for sharing this.
I remember having such heartache because I couldn't hold Ruby and then being a little afraid of all the wires when I did get to hold her.

The Pauls' Family said...

Thanks for taking us back to your journal. I can only imagine how empty your arms felt.